Top 10 Hater’s Guide to NFL Week 3

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What is a “hater”?

In real life, a hater is someone who cannot see past their internal negative biases to say anything positive or even neutral about a topic. A hater is the cranky old man who refuses to smile at anything but others’ misfortunes. A hater is the snotty kid on the playground who can’t wait until someone wipes out just so he can laugh at them.

In sports, a “hater” is anyone who says anything remotely not-positive about your favorite team. It doesn’t matter if the comment is true, false or even negative in the slightest. If someone writes anything longer than 20 words that doesn’t start with “YOUR TEAM IS THE COOLEST!” the general fan response is “tl;dr…hater.”

So, here at B/R, we’re taking it to a whole new level.

All 32 teams are ready to lose this weekend. These aren’t picks to win—I’m literally picking against all of your teams. Why? Because I don’t very much like them, and I don’t really like you either. It’s nothing personal, you just look funny.

Bring on the hate!

Green Bay Packers at Seattle Seahawks

Green Bay Packers

Coming off of a great victory against the Chicago Bears, the Packers are shocked to learn that the Seahawks actually like their quarterback and he is, you know, a decent human being.

The Packers defenders want to know more about this phenomenon and stand around just watching as Russell Wilson leads his team to victory. Charles Woodson and Clay Matthews carry Wilson out on their shoulders.

Seattle Seahawks

Seattle gets duped before game time when a late “waiver wire” is found slipped under John Schneider’s door. Seeing that the Packers have released 40 players, Schneider releases his entire team and puts in a claim for everyone on the list. Ted Thompson is seen chuckling.

New England Patriots at Baltimore Ravens

New England Patriots

Just before game time, Wes Welker is spotted refusing to kiss Bill Belichick’s ring. Belichick nods at Tom Brady, who dutifully continues his utter refusal to pass to his best receiver. The stalemate continues, as the Patriots decide winning games is less important than teaching lessons to their players or playing “Who Can Use the Most Tight Ends.” (Insert Snooki joke here.)

Baltimore Ravens

Ray Rice stops Cam Cameron in the hallway and introduces himself. Cameron swears they’ve never met before and is surprised to learn that Rice is a running back, exclaiming, “They still have those?”

Rice fails to convince him to try a few handoffs this week, and the Patriots cruise to victory.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Oakland Raiders

Pittsburgh Steelers

In an effort to avoid the constant pressure that gets through the Steelers’ line, Ben Roethlisberger inadvertently runs himself into an endless mobius pattern. Researchers are brought in, but no one can figure out how Big Ben has managed to transcend time and space, or how to get him to stop. The Steelers are forced to forfeit.

Roger Goodell blames all of this on James Harrison and asks him to come in for a meeting. But that cranky old Harrison ties a million balloons to his house and flies it down to Paradise Falls.

Oakland Raiders

Carson Palmer still the quarterback? Moving on…

Houston Texans at Denver Broncos

Houston Texans

Arian Foster wakes up Sunday morning and is shocked to find out that his fantasy opponent has traded for him in a late-night, blockbuster deal. Foster responds to this unchecked aggression with an NFL-record 22 fumbles.

Asked for comment after the game, Foster just mumbles, “Stupid Zerkle.”

Denver Broncos

Peyton Manning is more than happy to sign autographs before the game, but he inexplicably can’t stop handing the autographs to Falcons defensive backs. Frustrated, Manning climbs into his Buick and sadly sighs, “blue-42, hut hut, sad Charlie Brown music!”

He spends the game sobbing uncontrollably, eating tapenade straight from the jar.

Atlanta Falcons at San Diego Chargers

Atlanta Falcons

The Falcons safeties are flabbergasted when Philip Rivers doesn’t just throw the ball to them in the middle of the field and end up pouting on the sidelines for most of the game.

Offensively, the Falcons are stymied when Julio Jones starts knocking passes out of Roddy White’s hand. Sam Baker tries to get in between them but remembers that he is physically unable to stop anyone from walking right past him to their intended target.

San Diego Chargers

Philip Rivers, after watching highlights of Jay Cutler and Aaron Rodgers calling out their teammates, worries that he is no longer the prettiest girl at the ball. He is seen handing money to Jonathan Vilma behind the stadium. Later, Antonio Gates is run over by a bus.

Philadelphia Eagles at Arizona Cardinals

Philadelphia Eagles

Two 0-0 ties in a week—could it be possible?

Let’s cut out the middle men and just have Kevin Kolb and Michael Vick stand in the middle of the field and hand the ball to one another for 60 minutes. Maybe play some upbeat music or something—something the kids can dance to. What’s that? The game’s in Arizona? Never mind then, where’s my Neil Young album?

The Eagles still find a way to lose when one of Kolb’s errant handoffs rolls right past Nnamdi Asomugha and into the end zone.

Arizona Cardinals

High off of their defeat of the New England Patriots, the Cardinals spend all of their Week 3 preparation telling people how they were “this good all along” and patting themselves on the back. Sunday morning, Ken Whisenhunt calls a special press conference to remind everyone the Cardinals are 2-0 and let everyone know that he’s “totally an awesome coach.”

Shockingly, in the hubbub of planning a Super Bowl parade, the Cardinals actually forget to suit up for kickoff and are forced to forfeit.

Order is restored to the universe.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Indianapolis Colts

Jacksonville Jaguars

Last week, the Jaguars signed an offensive tackle off of the street and inserted him into the starting lineup. This is not a joke…that happened. It would be funny, but then you have to remember that there are people paid to run a football team who made that decision. In a country where so many people are looking for work, how does Gene Smith still have a job?

Also, Shad Khan Gangnam Style!

Indianapolis Colts

Early Sunday morning, Andrew Luck wakes up and has, miraculously, finally lost his baby fat after 23 long years. Sadly, Luck weighs in at only 90 lbs after the game, and officials refuse to let him play, claiming, “Sorry dude, no way you’re going to cover the spread for me like that.”

Detroit Lions at Tennessee Titans

Detroit Lions

Jim Schwartz misses the first half after straining his back, an injury sustained while scraping the bottom of the barrel for another horrible cornerback. Without his “guidance and leadership,” the Lions manage to play 30 minutes of penalty-free football.

Tragedy strikes, however, when Ndamukong Suh begins the second half by ripping off Jake Locker’s arms and beating him with them. It was the weirdest kickoff anyone has ever seen.

Armless Jake Locker proceeds to pass for 400 yards in the second half, leading the Titans to a comeback victory.

Tennessee Titans

Chris Johnson doubles down on his “faster than Usain Bolt” comments before the game and then rushes a career-high 97 times for 12 yards. After the game, Johnson claims he’s “bigger than the Beatles” and then retires because he’s bored with how awesome he is.

In retirement, Johnson declares he is “a better chef than Emeril” and opens a restaurant selling mostly half-thawed meat covered in ketchup.

Cincinnati Bengals at Washington Redskins

Cincinnati Bengals

Andy Dalton goes through his normal pregame ritual of flipping a coin to see how he should perform this week.

Heads: He plays like an NFL quarterback.

Tails: He and the linemen make like LenDale White and slam shots of tequila until the National Anthem.

Tails it is—who wants the worm?

Washington Redskins

Robert Griffin III is quoted before game time as saying, “Hey guys, this is hard. No, like really hard. Did you know those guys are trying to tackle me? That didn’t happen back in the Big 12! Do they really get to, just, hit me like that? Why? What did I do to them? Can’t I just give them some money or something?”

Overhearing the conversation, six defenders spontaneously combust.

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